That's how I have felt the past few weeks now since I last posted. So many of you reached out with your opinions, which I normally love-- but it was different this time around.
This time they were words of, "You're not doing enough."
I would be shocked staring at my phone with messages from a friend saying that his autism was my fault because I wasn't reading to him. Or others making comments about how it was his doctor's fault and the vaccinations that he has had. How if only I could get this one toy for him or get him into this one program. Others tried to pretend that it didn't even exist and became angry and frustrated toward Henry because he can't communicate like a normal child would.
Let me tell you, it broke my heart and it still breaks my heart. The notes and comments weren't just from people I thought who were good friends but family too.
I now know why people don't talk about when their child is diagnosed with autism and how there really aren't any blogs about it. I've been impressed as I've read Kelle Hampton's blog for several years now and her journey with her daughter's down syndrome. Their life is beautiful in every single way and how she has truly learned to enjoy the small things.
That's what I need to do. Take baby steps and breathe, enjoy the small things. Even if there was something I did to cause this or could have prevented from happening, it's too late now. The only way to move is forward.
We have a therapist come to our home every week now. Henry is enrolled in a toddler mommy and me class on top of that. I take him to reading time at the library, play dates in the park, sing often and everything else I can think of to help him and enjoy childhood.
I'm not afraid of the A word. Once I realized what it was, it wasn't scary and time to find a solution to help Henry, not hurt. Only love and accept. The best thing I can do is make sure we do every therapy appointment and work with all of their suggestions for now. The plan may change as he gets older and doctors are able to give a clearer diagnosis. For now, it's still all about teaching him during playtime and seeing a big grin on his face when we sit down together.
After all, he's always happy and that's what matters most.
It's as they say, "Behind every wonderful child is a mom who secretly thinks she is truly messing everything up." Trust me, we're all doing the best that we can.